


The Spiral Melody of Light, or White Silence

by Synonyms



Series: A dream [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Happy (late) April Fools!, Happy birthday Haise!, M/M, Spoilers, implied meta-sex, tw: gore, tw: implied abuse, tw: sucide, tw: suicide idealization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:07:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6445951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synonyms/pseuds/Synonyms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haise struggles to sleep in on his birthday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Spiral Melody of Light, or White Silence

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [The Spiral Melody of Light, or White Silence 翻譯](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6568957) by [alvidan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alvidan/pseuds/alvidan), [Synonyms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synonyms/pseuds/Synonyms)



> Happy (late) April Fools, and happy birthday, Haise!  
> (Let’s just pretend that I’m not late, OK? Technically, it’s still April 2nd somewhere in the world.)  
> Warnings: spoilers, SUICIDE IDEALIZATION, SUICIDE, GORE, implied abuse, implied meta sex. Completely unbetaed.  
> Mood music: [The Spiral Melody of Light](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMMg_Hlchcg), [BriCie's rendition of White Silence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtMnWyAqtkw)  
> 

“Let’s go home, Kaneki.”

_\---_

_Again, please._

Re___

\---

They are walking home together, just like they have always done every day before and every day after. Blond hair meshes with black. Pushing all the pain and sadness and despair away to drown in the happiness of the present, swearing up and down to never be apart, they sure are a sight, the two of them.

Along the road bloom red spider lilies.

The sky above them is clear blue.

They take no notice of them.

(Children’s laughter reverberates inside his head. For some reason, his soul aches.)

The story carries on.

(He wishes they had.)

\---

_Again, please._

Re__

\---

He is ten. His aunt has forgotten to give him lunch again.

But that's OK because the constricting feeling inside his throat makes him want to cry and crying people can't eat anyway.

He is ten. His mother has just died, and her sister has just told him that she died because of him.

_(Monster.)_

He tries to hold the tears in because what kind of ten-year-old would cry anyway? _A pathetic crybaby, that’s who,_ his mind whispers.

So far, he has been failing spectacularly.

A lone boy sits atop a giant whale in an empty playground, wailing his heart out for the world to hear. Only, the world is empty, and the lost boy is alone. What a comical sight. Were there any passer-by, they would have a good laugh out of it.

But that person didn't laugh.

_Hey, ____, don’t cry._

_Why do you care? (Hate me.)_

_Everything is going to be all right._

_Liar. (Don't hate me.)_

_I’ll protect you._

_Why do you care? (Hate me.)_

_Everything is going to be alright._

_Who are you? (Don't hate me.)_

_Just please, don’t cry anymore._

_Who are you? (Hate me.)_

_OK,____?_

_WHO ARE YOU? (PLEASE DON'T HATE ME. PLEASE DON'T HATE ME____

_“KIND PEOPLE ONLY NEED TO BE KIND TO BE HAPPY.” HEY, ____, THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU. WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER, ALL RIGHT? LET'S BE FRIENDS. LOOK AT ME. DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. LEAVE ME ALONE. LOOK AT ME. DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. LOOK AT ME. I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU. (“WHAT'S 1000 MINUS 7?”) DON'T LOOK AT ME. DON'T LOOK AT ME!_

_I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORR___)_

Warmth encases him. Sweet nothings are whispered into his ears with a shaky voice that is on the verge of tear itself. _Hypocrite_ , he thinks fondly through the pain, a crooked smile plastered on his face.

He opens his eyes to see the sun, streams of tears finally stopping, for there is no need for tears when that person is here with him. _I’m not alone_ , he reminds himself. _My place to belong is here._

_I’m home._

_I'm home._

(They share that person's bento together. The honeyed tamagoyaki is very sweet and delicious.

.

His hunger ebbs.)

\---

_Again, please._

Re__

\---

Once upon a time, there was a hunger artist.

He fasted because he had to.

\---

_Again, please._

Re__

\---

Happiness in ignorance. Ignorance in happiness. An inescapable whirlpool that dragged them down toward the unending abyss. A vicious cycle that could only end in tragedy.

And so they drowned.

\---

He loves his mom, really. Mom is nothing like his aunt. His mom loved him, once.

\---

They are walking home together, just like they have always done every day before and every day after. The sun is shining so brilliantly that it blinds him. Nevertheless, despite the pain in his eyes and the ache in his chest that come from looking directly at the sun, he wills himself not to look away.

Along the road bloom red spider lilies.

The sky above them is pale white.

Only he takes notice of them. They scare him. They tell him in their poison-laced sugary sweet voice that if he looks away from the sun, the world will end. He's not sure if he can survive the end of the world. No mortal will, he thinks.

(And yet, here he is. What a monster.)

That person continues to wear that familiar blinding smile, lighting up the whole world, sweeping all his worries and fears away as if tomorrow would come. Sometimes, he envies that person, just a little. Most of the time though, he's too glad that that person is still here, by his side, to care.

The story carries on.

_(Stop! Don’t go! Please.)_

_\---_

_Again, please._

Re___

_\---_

He is 18. He is a ghoul.

But that's OK. As long as he has his "place to belong", he is fine. Just fine.

Except.

He is 18. He is just as useless as a ghoul as he was a human. His "place to belong" is being taken away from him, and the pathetic thing that he is can only cry and cry and cry.

He doesn't want to cry any more. What kind of 18-year-old would cry anyway? _A helpless weakling, that's who,_ whispers his mind.

He doesn't want to be weak. Weak people get eaten. Weak people get their most precious person killed. Weak people don't have homes.

And he can't forgive that.

So he doesn't.

.

.

.

And then___

That person is so still it scared him.

He wants to take those warm hands into his. They look lonely.

_(“Rabbits die when they're lonely.”)_

He wants to put his ears to that weakly-moving chest, just to hear that person's beating heart for himself.

_(He won't let that person die, no matter what.)_

He wants to kiss his best friend, just to wake the sleeping beauty up. This story is a fairy tale, and he is the prince, destined to a happily-ever-after with the pure maiden, right?

_("If, for argument’s sake, you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be… a tragedy.")_

.

.

.

_~~He wants to eat___~~ _

Hunger encases him. _(Please. Anything but that.)_

Meat.

He doesn't want to hurt that person _(“Hurt me.”)_

Meat.

He physically throws himself away. ~~He hits the ground with a splat~~. _(“Kill me.”)_

Meat.

His mouth salivates at the thought of his best friend. _(“Eat me.”)_

Meat.

His hands reach out for that person on their own. _(“Please.”)_

Meat.

.

.

.

Ah, it's all useless, after all. _(“ **JUST DON'T HURT THAT PERSON!”)**_

.

.

.

Darkness encases him. The inhumane growling of his stomach finally subsides. As he loses his consciousness, he can't help but cry out in relief because, thank god, thank god he was saved; thank god he didn't have to be strong. Thank god...

.

(He goes to sleep dreaming of his best friend. He wonders if that person would taste as sweet as the honeyed tamagoyaki of that fateful day.

.

His hunger eats.)

\---

_Again, please._

Re___

\---

He's happy, really. That person is safely hidden away from even the most dangerous monster, and just by knowing that his best friend is happy is enough to make him happy as well.

\---

They are walking together, just as they have always done every day before and every day after.

The moon is eating the sun. It’s an eclipse.

The old winding road of the past has turned into a field of red spider lilies. They have had the two of them surrounded.

Only he takes notice of them.

The sky above them is checkered.

He runs away.

He runs away, for surely, they are here because of him.

He runs away, for he will die before he lets anything happen to his most precious person.

He runs away, leaving behind his best friend, all alone.

_(Hey ___, did you know that rabbits die when they're lonely?)_

He doesn't look back.

_What a monster._

The story carries on.

_(He did, in the end.)_

\---

Once upon a time, there was a hunger artist.

He fasted because he loved.

\----

_Again, please._

Re___

\---

He is 19. He is a monster.

But that's OK. He has always been one anyway. Bad things only happen to monsters, after all.

He is 19. He doesn't have a home.

But that's OK. Monsters don't deserve to have a home. They are alone.

He is 19. He is alone.

But that's OK. As long as that person is safe, even if this body turns to dust, even if this mind crumbles, even if this heart bleeds dry, he is fine. Just fine.

He needs to be strong.

(He doesn't cry because there is no need to cry.

~~He doesn't cry because his tears have long been dried out.~~

He wants to cry.)

So he does.

He fights and kills and eats like a rabid animal out of control, indiscriminately and monstrously, all for the sake of power, the power to protect his most precious person from those that tormented him, be they humans or ghouls. That centipede inside his mind keeps asking for blood, and he is only too happy to fulfill its demand with the meat of monsters.

_(“I have to eat. To eat is to steal._

_I have to eat. To eat is to protect._

_I have to eat. To eat is to lose._

_I have to eat. To eat is to make a mistake._

_My salvation is___”)_

 

Eat. Eat. Eat. Days in. Days out. A madness mantra was transplanted deep inside him, caressing his organs ever so gently with its claws of despair. He is no longer the hunger artist - the useless life and the equally useless death, forever a prisoner inside the cage of his own mind, helpless and without freedom until the end. He is the panther, carrying freedom in its jaw, mindless with bloodlust, vicious with hunger.

.

Except.

.

The panther wasn't free, was it?

Its sin was the cage. The panther's sin was its existence.

Its hunger was the cage. The panther's hunger was its demise.

The world was the cage. The panther's world was its cage.

And so, the pathetic monster was eaten alive.

It's kind of poetic, really, the cannibal cannibalizing itself, the monster's karmic demise at its own hands, its scream of unfulfilled desires and pain drowned out by the cheers and joy of the satisfied audience. The monster died alone, leaving behind naught but fading memories of a helpless little thing that couldn't even clean up itself properly. Justice was served. What a happy ending, a fitting end to this too-long fairy tale of blood and tragedies.

But the closing curtains didn't fall, did it?

The sun is still shining, after all.

**THAT PERSON IS HERE.**

_“Yo,___” (Look at me.)_

_“What’s with the getup?” (Don't look at me.)_

_“All this time, you’ve had to suffer like this.” (Leave me alone.)_

_“You won’t need it any more, the mask.” (Don't leave me alone.)_

_“Who cares about that?!” (I'm sorry.)_

_“Let's just go home already.” **(I'M SORRY.)**_

_~~“Eat me.” **(I'M SORRY.)**~~ _

Warmth encases him. The sweetest flavor he has ever tasted bursts forth inside his mouth. The texture is just right, loving and tender, not unlike that of the burger that the person he used to be love so much. The honeyed tamagoyaki is so sweet, so delicious that he wants to cry, so he does. He cries and cries and cries even though he is eating the best meal of his life. He hates it. His salty tears are spoiling the sweetness of the honey. And that's unforgivable. He has to get away. He has to, before it's too late, but it's already too late, isn't it? Always one step behind. Always too late. He wails his heart out for the world to hear because this is just too painful, too great a sin for even him, the most sinful of all creatures, to bear. Because he can't. He can't. He can't.

Stop _. (Liar)._

Please. _(Hypocrite.)_

Please stop it. _(Please.)_

**JUST STOP IT** _. **(I AM SO, SO SORRY.)**_

**_I'M SORR____ **

.

.

.

Sweet nothings are whispered into his ears with a shaky voice that is on the verge of tears itself. _I'm sorry,_ he begs for forgiveness through the pain, stomach grumbling loudly. _I'm sorry._

.

.

.

He doesn't want to eat any more.

.

.

.

He opens his eyes to see nothing but darkness. There's a sweet taste in his mouth. The world is empty, and he is alone.

Inside his stomach reverberates the promise of love.

Inside his mind reverberates the laughter of children.

Inside his heart reverberate the footsteps of Death.

.

He crawls forward.

.

_(“My salvation is just to sleep and have a hap_ _py dream…_

_._

_._

_._

_My salvation is__”_

.

.

.

_“Yeah, let's rest for a bit.”)_

\---

He doesn't want to die, really, and he can't die yet anyway, so he won't die. Not yet. Not yet.

\---

_Again, please._

Re___

\---

_(“The sun is gone. No more shadows.”)_

He is running.

He is running.

He is running across a field of red spider lilies.

He has been running for so long, he doesn't even know what he is running away from anymore.

Pain? Loss? Despair? Hope? Memories? Love? Himself?

What kind of cowardly monster would run away anyway? _Him, that's who_ , whisper the spider lilies viciously.

He doesn't want to run away any more. Running away is tiring. He wants to rest, to just lay down onto the ground and go to sleep and never wake up again__

_(“Sorry. Can you fight with all you’ve got just one more time?”)_

Except, he can't rest yet. He has somewhere to be, so he can't sleep. Not yet. Not yet.

.

.

.

Ah, that's right. He was running away from that person, wasn't he?

(“ _There's no looking back.”)_

He looks back.

_(“...since there is only one way into the abyss…”)_

Like a new born babe still too scared to walk on its own, he takes one stumbling step at a time. The spider lilies that don't manage to evade him are crushed without mercy, making a crunching sound that is oddly relaxing. Even if there were a centipede inside his ear right now, there would be no way to distinguish the sound of a hundred crawling legs from that of his own footsteps, of Death's footsteps. So it’s fine, it's all fine.

In the horizon, there's a big gathering of spider lilies. It reminds him of the sun.

_I'm not a cat,___! I'm a rabbit! Us rabbits die of loneliness, not curiosity!_

The undignified squawk rings loud and clear inside his mind.

.

He creeps closer.

.

.

.

It's him.

It's him - the person whose name he just can't seem to remember, him - his best friend, him - the person he loves most, him, who is being torn into pieces by the despicable red spider lilies right now. They are taking bites after bites of the hands that were so warm, crawling all over the sweet face that used to radiate with the light of a thousand suns, gouging out the brown eyes that had always chased away the nightmares with their love and silent understanding.

He can't forgive that.

He **won't** forgive that.

With a roaring cry of a dying animal, he charges forward. He crushes and crushes and crushes those hateful spider lilies with all of his strength, the strength that he bleed and killed and ate to gain. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. For a long time, there's no sound but Death's soothing symphony in this place of madness, but it's fine. It's all fine. He has always been the mad one anyway.

.

.

.

He opens his eyes to see nothing but red. The spider lilies are all dead. The white carnations are long gone. The once field of flowers are now barren, dyed with the color of blood and insanity.

The sweet taste inside his mouth is bitter.

The world is empty.

He is empty.

He is alone.

He wants to cry.

He wants to wail his heart out for the world to hear.

(The world is empty.)

He wants to yell at him. _How could you?!_ The spider lilies' remains are smashed into a million pieces. _How could you leave me alone?!_ A red liquid springs forth from the ground, tainting everything in its path. _How did you expect me to live my life without you, Hide?!_

**_~~(IT'S HIDE. HIDE. HIDE. HIDE. HIDE HIDE HIDE HIDE HIDE HIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDEHIDE.~~ _ ** ~~INSANE LAUGHTER ESCAPES HIS MOUTH ** _. IT'S HIDE. HIDE. HIDE. THIS IS SO HILARIOUS. ALWAYS ONE STEP TOO LATE. ALWAYS LEFT BEHIND. ALONE AND BROKEN. AND I CAN'T EVEN DIE, EITHER! OH GOD THIS IS TOO FUNNY, HIDE. HEY, WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING, HIDE? I LOVED YOU, YOU KNOW? I STILL DO. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY BEING, HUMAN AND GHOUL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT FEELS LIKE I'M BEING EATEN ALIVE, BUT IT'S ALL IN VAIN BECAUSE IT'S TOO LATE, NOW. IT'S TOO LATE. AM I NOT COMICAL ENOUGH, HIDE? AM I NOT THE FOOL? LAUGH WITH ME, HIDE! LAUGH AT ME, HIDE! PLEASE, JUST OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT ME. DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE. PLEASE___**~~

**_~~JUST WAKE UP ALREADY.)~~ _ **

But he doesn't.

He **can't**.

And so he waits in silence. What he is waiting for, he doesn't know, but still, he waits.

_~~(And so he waits for the end.)~~ _

.

.

.

The sky looks funny. It looks like it's going to rain. Idly, he wonders which color the raindrops will be dyed with. Black or white?

In the end, it doesn't matter.

Nothing matters any more.

_I won't forgive you._ He holds Hide close to himself. _I can't forgive you._ He mutters with his last breath against cold lips. He can't go on any more. _So please._ He begs. _Don't forgive me._

He kisses him.

.

.

.

Hide stirs.

.

And then his best friend lunges straight for his left eye, brown, brown eyes clear open and staring straight into his own bleeding grey.

.

He lets Hide. His eyeball makes a popping sound as it is crushed inside its socket. Even though half of his world is plunged into darkness, it's fine. It's all fine. As long as the sun is here, as long as Hide is here, by his side, he will gladly take any pain and bear Hide's ~~hatred~~ love with a smile on his lips.

.

.

.

_(And so the centipede was killed.)_

_~~I wonder, what did he see me as?~~ _

.

_Hey, Kaneki~, let's go on a date!_ Hide's voice rings cheerfully in his ears, the centipede finally gone, all gone.

_(Ah, that's right... My name is... Kaneki. Kaneki Ken._

_~~Why can’t I be just Ken?~~ )_

It's a strangely liberating feeling.

Suddenly, Kaneki is flipped onto his stomach, shirt hiked up, face pushed to the ground. He can taste the tangy dirt in his mouth. _More_ , he begs. The overpowering sweetness is still inside him. He can't bear that taste. When those familiar hands cut his back open and snake around his innards to search for something, his mouth opens in a silent scream. _Don't stop,_ he mouths. Even if his world is one of nothing but pain, _don't stop._

_Ah, found it!_ Hide abruptly exclaims, face finally stretching into the grin that Kaneki loves so much. He doesn't know what Hide found, but just seeing that grin is enough to make him happy for Hide's sake. His mouth involuntarily stretches into a smile. By Hide's side, smiling feels as natural as breathing, as if he had always used those horribly atrophied muscles every day before and every day after.

The hands inside him push and pull and twist and turn, sending a strange tingling sensation up his spine. It's not entirely uncomfortable, despite the burning pain, he surmises. The squelching sound of Hide's hands’ brushing up against his innards, though, is incredibly intimate. His face reddens.

_How could you?_ Hide leans closer and whispers into his ears. _Rabbits die when they're lonely, you know?_ Blunt teeth nip his ear lightly. He's sure that it must be on fire right now. _Hey, Kaneki._ There's more strength put in the bite this time. _How could you leave me alone?_ His ear is bleeding. The playful purr in Hide's voice is completely gone now.

_~~How could you kill me?!~~ _

Kaneki's heart thumps harshly along the rhythm of Hide's curses as it tries to break free of his ribcage. Pity that it isn't strong enough to ~~destroy the cage~~ be born. It's too weak, just too weak. All the training, killing and eating, all the sins he committed, they were still not enough, never enough.

_I'm sorry_ , he cries. _I'm sorry._

A sharp burn radiates from his back. It feels like something is being torn away from him with all the force and malice a human being can muster. Fingers digging into the ground for purchase, Kaneki can't help but let out a moan. Even though he knows that he deserves it, deserves all of it for failing to protect Hide, for hurting him, ~~for killing him~~ , this is just so painful, oh so painful.

.

.

.

The ~~kakuhou~~ kidneys are dropped onto the ground with a splash. Kaneki's body goes limp in Hide's arms, the strength that he sacrificed everything for finally taken away from him.

_(And so the panther was killed.)_

_I won't forgive you._ The eclipsed sun whispers the promise, **their** promise into the monster's ears, gently, oh so gently. _I won't forgive you._

For some reason, Hide seems to be in pain. His face is scrunched up and all. That's not right. He should be smiling. The sun should be shining so brightly that it would burn the pitiful thing that is Kaneki Ken to a blackened sad crisp. So what changed? Did Kaneki hurt him again somehow even in his depowered state? Probably. Could be it. Most likely. He certainly has a knack for hurting people, especially the people he loves, doesn't he? _I'm sorry_. Kaneki tries to mouth. _I'm sorry._

Carefully turning Kaneki backwards so that they are face to face once more, Hide buries his face into Kaneki's bare shoulder and starts to sob.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._ Hide wails, voice muffled and full of pain. Kaneki's whole body flinches at those words. _Why are you apologizing?_ He tries to ask through the mouthful of blood, hands lifting inch by inch, ever so slowly that they drive him into madness. Although he wants to comfort Hide, he is too weak as he is right now, as he has always been. The useless him hasn't changed one bit, after all.

_This is the only way. I'm sorry, Kaneki._

Ah, there. After what feels like an eternity, he can touch his best friend properly again. Caressing those brown and blond tresses lightly, Kaneki frowns a bit as he realizes that his hands are tainting them with the color of blood. And he can't have that. He won't forgive that,...

...so he moves them away.

A pair of warm hands immediately snatch them back and hold them close to that beating heart.

_NO! Don't!_ Hide growls even as tears stream down his face unbidden. _Don't, Kaneki!_ Hide is oddly cute when he's angry. _How do you expect me to live my life without you?!_

At the words that are practically screamed at his face, Kaneki can't help but laugh despite the aches all over his body. The two of them, no, everything, is just so funny. Looking straight at Hide in the eyes, he wills Hide to read his mind, to see how hilarious the world that they were born in is, to realize how fucked up in the head Kaneki really is. _Do you know what you've got yourself into by choosing me, Hide?_ The falling Icarus twitches his lips upward as he reaches for the sun one last time.

Somehow, it must have worked because Hide cracks a smile. While it's not the happy smile that Kaneki is so addicted to, tainted with caramelized honey's bittersweet taste as it is, it's a start. Kaneki tells himself. It's a start, for both of them.

_Yeah, we're hopeless, aren't we?_ Hide whispers, voice still hoarse from all the crying. Kaneki thinks he has fallen even more in love, if that's even possible.

_Hey, Hide__._ His voice dies off midsentence. He tries again anyway, struggling to get the words out. Because. Because, even though it's painful and embarrassing and cheesy as hell, this just isn't something that should be conveyed through telepathy, no matter how well they can read each other's mind. This is something that should only be conveyed through words and words alone.

He can even feel his own face burn. Damn himself and his pale complexion. Nevertheless, he starts again.

_Hey, Hide,_ Kaneki's voice sounds weak and pathetic even to his own ears, but if there's one person that Kaneki can trust with his pathetic self, it's Hide, so it's OK. It's OK.

He gathers his courage again.

_Willyoutakemyheart?_ The words rush out of him in a terrified squeak (The "keep it safe" part is sort of implied rather than said out right. He is needy and desperate, but not that desperate), leaving him out of breath both figuratively and literally (damn his ruptured lungs). Kaneki really, really wishes that the earth would open up and swallow him whole and never let him out again because fuck, he can't believe that came out of the mouth of a literature major.

The silence is unbearable. He doesn't think he can take it any more.

_Trust him, you prick._ The ever-suffering white-haired child rolls his eyes. _He's your best friend, and you've hurt him enough with your stupidity._

Right, he mentally slaps himself. Hide deserves more faith from him than that.

.

Because he has been busy mentally berating himself, he is completely caught off guard when a pair of lips descents onto his own.

Even though both of their lips are horribly chapped, and neither of them has had any kind of prior experience, and this is just a chaste touch of the lips rather than an actual kiss kiss anyway, it still feels as amazing as described in those cheesy romance novels that he secretly loves to read. Fireworks behind eyelids (well, eyelid, technically), check. Heartbeats' going hay wire, check. Blushing all over his body, check. Flying to the moon, check. He can't breathe (though admittedly, that could just be his ruptured lungs), check. Falling in love all over again, double check.

He will never look down on romance novels ever again. They are scarily accurate, aside from the small fact that neither Kaneki nor Hide feels the need or has the will to close their eye(s), but he'll just chalk it up to one of their quirks and leave it at that.

_Are you sure?_ Hide murmurs against his lips, brown eyes warm with something indescribable. It's not love. Not exactly. If Kaneki had to put the feelings behind Hide's gaze into words, it would probably be something like lovehatredpainhungerhopedespairblissjoyhappinessfriendshipfriendshipfriendshiplove, but that would still be only an unexact approximation. What Hide is giving Kaneki, has been giving Kaneki, is more than that, more than all of those shallow words, more than all of Kaneki's literature major's vocabulary. What Hide has been giving Kaneki for free, of his own volition, from the very beginning, is nothing less than the summation of Hide's existence itself.

And Kaneki has never been happier. For the first time in his life, he feels whole. For the first time in his life, he is alive. For the first time in his life, he feels that yes, this is a life worth living.

_Yeah, I'm sure._ He smiles, the ache in those atrophied muscles not registering to him in the least through the pleasant haze being with Hide brings.

And then, Hide's familiar wide grin that Kaneki has always depended on for survival comes back. And Kaneki's a gonner for sure. He is so ridiculously happy right now it's nothing short of terrifying.

Hesitatingly, tentatively, Hide leans in close and softly kisses his cheek. _OK._

One kiss soon grows into a million kisses, and before Kaneki knows it, Hide is littering kisses after kisses all over his red face. Kaneki can't understand how anyone can love such a despicable creature as himself, and he probably never will, but it's fine. Even though he does not know the reason behind the illogical love dedicated to him, he will try his best to return it in anyway he can.

Thus, this time, when Hide's lips touch his own again, Kaneki shyly opens his mouth in a silent invitation. _You can have all of me..._ Warm tongue breaches the entrance to his mouth cavity and licks his gums playfully. Teeth clacking against teeth, Hide lightly massages his inner cheeks and tongue, coaxing him into a sensual dance of first love and sweet saliva. Body held flush against Hide's, Kaneki has never felt more loved in his life as his olfactory sense is overwhelmed with what must be ambrosia, as he is entrenched in the being that is his most precious person. He wants more. He needs more. He hungers for more. He can't survive, can't live, won't live without Hide, so he musters all of his pitiful strength to clutch Hide closer to his existence. He knows that he is being unreasonable, that he is endangering Hide for the sake of his own sanity, that he is being selfish, but he can't help himself when it comes to this angelic being that is offering him the one and only chance at salvation he will ever get. And so, he opens his mouth the widest he can, all to take and take and take more of that sweet, sweet nectar ~~that was the tender meat of the burger, that was the honeyed tamagoyaki of that fateful day,~~ that is the person that he is so in love with.

**_~~(...and I will have all of you.)~~ _ **

_(The distant roar of a hungry panther almost wakes him up from his pleasant dream, but since Hide has ended the monster's damned existence, that is simply impossible. These hallucinations are really getting out of hands. Maybe he should tell Dad and Mom about them one of these days..._

_._

_._

_._

_Ah, now he gets it! It was the cries of the hungry artist! In his fit of insanity, he totally forgot that the ugly creature called human was an animal as well! The hunger artist, in the end, was the panther itself, wasn't he? How silly of him! How hilarious of him!_

_._

_._

_._

_How pathetic of him._

_._

_._

_._

**_~~Please, I don't want to wake up. Not yet. Not yet. So please, let me dream, just for a little while longer~~ _ ** _._

_._

_._

_.)_

A light nip on his lip startles him, bringing out from the daydream that he has already forgot about. _Kanekiiii, I can't believe that you zoned out while we were kissing!_ The pout on Hide's lovely face makes him want to laugh and beg for forgiveness at the same time. This is so confusing...

Completely lying on top of Kaneki now, boneless and heavy as hell, Hide keeps staring straight into Kaneki's eye with his adorable puppy eyes, amusement barely hidden behind the obviously fake hurt. _Is my kissing skill really that bad? Give me some slack, man! You know that I haven't kissed anyone else before!_

Frankly, Kaneki feels that it is himself who is the kicked puppy here, what's with the completely illogical love-induced terror he has been thrown into by just a pout from a total idiot and all.

It's payback time.

He has been told many times that his jokes are weapons of mass destruction.

Time to put them to good use.

_Hide, if you had any talent at kissing, you had been Hide-Ing it well._

The look on Hide's face is totally worth any love-induced terror, decides Kaneki. With his mouth agape like that, Hide looks too hilarious to not be teased.

And then Kaneki laughs, wholly and freely. His facial muscles hurt something great, but it's worth it. It's been such a long time since he last laughed like this. 1 month? 6 months? 2 years? He doesn't know anything anymore, but right now, in their shared happy dream, he couldn't care less about anything but Hide, for Hide can make Kaneki laugh even though he had had neither the strength nor the will to fake one for a long time, for Hide can make Kaneki happy just by being Hide, for Hide make Kaneki feel that, for once, his existence is not a sin.

Kaneki hopes that Hide still knows him, that Hide can still read his mind as well as he has always done despite the distance, that Hide knows that Kaneki loves him, that Kaneki loves him, that Kaneki loves him. Kaneki loves him so much that sometimes, Kaneki even forgets how much he hates himself.

Impulsively, he reaches out to touch Hide's face.

Hide... really... is... here....

Tears flow unbidden down his cheeks. He knows that he's laughing while crying, that no one sane laughs and cries at the same time, but he just can't help it. There's something inside his body that makes him hunger for more, that makes him cry and mouth "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." all the time like a madness mantra, that refuses to ever be happy even as it yearns for a happy dream.

_What a failure,_ the white-haired child mocks as Kaneki buries his face into the crook of Hide's neck. The warm hands that are pressing gently, so gently against the cage outside his heart soothe his soul, just like they have done every day before and every day after. Hide smells nice. Hide smells like home, like hope, like sunflowers, like freedom, like a dream. Greedy and selfish as he has always been, Kaneki inhales deeply, determined to take all of Hide into him. It's a long and arduous process because Kaneki's simply too broken, his lungs are too damaged, to even breathe normally, nevermind taking a deep breath, but damn, he's going to have all of Hide even if it's going to be the last thing he does. And so, inch by painful inch, they destroy the self-made barriers between themselves.

Kaneki takes one long last breath full of sunflowers and hope and dreams before he stops breathing completely. Under Hide's hands, his ribcage breaks with a snap.

Seeking love even as he pushes love away, _yeah_ , Kaneki agrees, he really is a failure, but as long as he's Hide's failure, maybe, just maybe, everything's going to be all right.

Black blood pours out of the opening in his chest like overflowing despair. Muscles rupture with a loud ripping sound like that of tearing cloth. White bones jut out from beneath his tattered self like the first buds of spring. One finger breaches his diaphragm with a forceful thrust. Two fingers gently rubs against his inner wall. Three fingers caress his esophagus in a soothing downward and upward and downward and upward motion. In just a moment, his still heart is laid bare, all for Hide to see.

Kaneki guides Hide into himself and whispers: "Eat me."

.

.

"Your wish is my command, my beloved prince." Inside his ribcage, his one and only best friend intones solemnly against the tip of his heart before kissing it.

The sensory overload is both the worst and best thing Kaneki has ever experienced. More painful than loneliness, more pleasurable than a full stomach, more fulfilling than dying, the sensation of Hide's soft, sweet lips on his heart is enough to drive him mad again. Kaneki can't help but moan. His hands urge to push Hide back down down down, but by some miracle, he manages to hold back and dig his blackened fingernails into the red ground instead. He doesn’t want to hurt Hide.

Hide, his best friend, the most dangerous person in the world, has definitely noticed his plight, for the blond winks at him, blood-stained mouth opening wide and blood-stained hands cupping the part of his heart still outside of that hot, cavernous mouth and all.

_This is so unfair_. Tears and blood of pleasure begin to leak out of his eye.  He needs Hide. He needs Hide. He needs Hide.

_I need you. I need you. I need you_. Kaneki begs unashamedly. _Hide. Hide. Hide._ His whole body arches up in an effort to be closer, closer, closer to Hide, so that he can die for Hide’s sake, so that he can be just like Hide, so that he can become one with his most precious person. There's still a distance between them. This is simply not enough.

And then, beloved Hide’s warm, warm hands pluck out his heart from its cage.

He screams.

He doesn't know what he's screaming. He doesn't know what is happening. He doesn't even know who he is at the moment, whether he is Kaneki Ken or Nagachika Hideyoshi or Sasaki Haise. All he knows at that moment is the explosion of colors behind his eyelid, the sweet, sweet taste of honey on his mouth, and the heat intruding deep inside of him even as it swallows him whole.

Falling down, falling down, falling down, he can feel his muscles contract tight against _something_ in shuddering waves.

.

.

.

Hitting ground with a splat, he thinks he might have died. He's not sure.

Who is he, again?

Opening his eye to see the sun smiling brightly and happy and so wonderfully real, he thinks that maybe he should have died long ago, for even though he is nothing but a born monster, this is surely heaven. Surely.

_Having fun,___?_ God asks him with a mischievous grin, golden and brown halo all fanned out, body dyed red with their mingled blood.

At the sight, even as exhausted as he is, he can do nothing but blushes lightly and mumbles out: _Very much so._

Shining brilliantly like a thousand suns, God kisses him on his forehead. Then, He kisses him on his heart. Then, He kisses him on his right shoulder. Then, He kisses him on his left shoulder.

_God is here, do not be blind._ The lines written by someone else slip out from inside him by themselves. Is his God also that person's God? Did his God also save that person? Did his God also promise to keep that person's heart safe deep inside Himself?

In the end, he guesses he can't say anything, can't do anything, won't do anything. God loves all, and who is he to go against God's will?

~~God's first creation.~~

~~His most devoted.~~

~~The Devil itself.~~

.

.

.

~~What is he but sin? What is he but selfishness? His stomach rumbles. He wants, wants, wants, yearning, devouring, destroying.~~

.

.

.

~~What is he but a monster?~~

.

Then, He kisses him on the lips. _What's with the sad face,___? Are you disappointed with my progress?_ With laughter and that indescribable thing in his voice, He breathes into his ear: _Don't worry. I told you, didn't I? I will never forgive you._

Then, He kisses him on his right eye, sending a spike of pleasure through him. As the sensation travels across his body, it stitches up his broken body, empty eye socket and open ribcage and ruptured lungs and all. Then, He buries all of Himself inside the gaping hole that is the grotesque him. Healing bones and muscles and ligaments and skin struggles against Him, Him who is inside his chest, Him who is inside him, creating a kind of friction that is just too much for his over-stimulated body. The gray man can't help but cry out God's name. _Yes. This is it. This is it. More. More. **MORE**._

Thump. Thump. Thump. In God's hand, the broken heart restarts its broken rhythm.

_Eat me._

Thump. Thump. Thump. Then, God kisses his red, red heart as if it were something treasured, as if the nameless monster that is himself were something treasured, as if this were not just another fantastical dream.

_Eat me._

Thump. Thump. Thump. Then, God opened His mouth wide and swallowed it all, His muscles contorting to the shape of the red clump, His bones breaking into white shards, His ligaments stretching to its limit. From His mouth to His esophagus to His stomach, one bloody inch by one bloody inch, the pumping heart disappears inside God to be kept safe, to be free, for the heartless him to finally, finally die.

_Eat me._

What is he but a corpse?

**_EAT ME._ **

_Thank you. I'm glad._

He's happy. Truly.

_I love you. I love you. I loveyouIloveyouIloveyouILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUI **LOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU___**_

Darkness encroaches on his vision. Slowly, he starts to fade away. Finally. Finally!

**_ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU____ **

God smiles His blood-stained smile. He wants that smile to be the last thing he will see. Pretty please with sugar on top?

**_ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEDYOUYOU KNOWISTILLDOILOVEYOUWITHALLOFMYBEING HUMANANDGHOULILOVEYOUSOMUCHITFEELSLIKEI'M BEINGEATENALIVE ____ **

The white-haired child laughs as he cries. He wonders what's so funny.

**_ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU_ ** _____

God reaches for his throat. Why is He crying? _Please, don't cry. I don't want to make you sad. Just eat me. Everything will be all right. Everything will be all right. So, please, just eat me and smile,___._

**_ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU___ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

Ah, it seems like his time has run out.

\---

_Again, please._

Re___

\---

And then, the nameless boy wakes up, a beloved name on the tip of his tongue, memories of Him carved deep and dark inside.

The sun takes him by the hands.

They are walking home together, just like they have always done every day before and every day after. Blond hair meshes with black. Pushing all the pain and sadness and despair away to drown in the happiness of the present, swearing up and down to never be apart, they sure are a sight, the two of them.

Along the road bloom red spider lilies.

The sky above them is checkered.

The boy dyed in ~~red~~ black and white isn't afraid of them anymore. He is no longer the weak child that he once was. He is but a monster now, and monsters are strong. They are strong, strong enough to protect their loved ones, strong enough to just crush all those bloody spider lilies one by one by one, strong enough to end even themselves when the time comes.

Leaving behind a trail of red mush, they arrive at their playground. They must have returned to being themselves again, for climbing onto the lone whale is as hard as he remembers it to be.

The sun takes him by the hands. Then, He kisses him on his throat, pink lips bright with that beloved smile. Inside God’s chest, two broken hearts beat in tune with a rhythmic “thump, thump, thump.” Inside his own chest, the empty cage remains silent.

He is happy. Truly.

_Hey,___, I want to fly._

Those words slip out of him without his notice, but for once, he thinks he means it. He wants to fly, like Icarus with his golden wax-wings. He wants to be free, like Icarus’s drowning in the sea. He wants to reach for the sun and die trying, for surely, surely, that is the only way to Heaven.

The sun keeps hugging him and stays silent.

_Hey,___, I want to be the moon._

Those words slip out of him without his notice, but for once, he thinks he means it. He wants to be the moon, like the solar eclipse’s moon that blocks the sun from the earth with its shadow. He wants to be the moon, like the lunar eclipse’s moon that is dyed red with the light of the sun. He wants to be the moon, for surely, surely, at the end of the world, the improbable collision will occur and the glassy moon will be melted right off by the sun without a trace, for surely, surely, at the end of the world, despite all the consequences, they will meet again.

The sun keeps hugging him and stays silent.

It's raining. From the checkered sky above their heads fall down broken shards of glass and sweet honey. They feel cold.

_Hey,___, you will always be the Magician, and I will always be the Fool, right?_

Those words slip out of him without his notice, but for once, he thinks he means it. He wants to be a Fool, like the Fool who always returns to the beginning of the deck. He wants to be a Fool, like the Fool who always counts down to -1. He wants to be a Fool, for surely, surely, He is the Magician who is the Fool’s home, the Magician who promised to wait for the Fool to come home, the Magician who is still waiting for the Fool to come home.

The sun keeps hugging him and says: _Yes._

Then, He kisses him on his throat, bright smile long gone.

He is happy. Truly.

Then, He reaches for his throat, cheeks wet with tears.

He is happy. Truly.

Then, He squeezes and squeezes and squeezes, warm brown eyes shadowed by golden locks.

Warmth encases him. Trachea constricted by the painful lump in his throat, his vision is tinted ~~red~~ black once more. Even so, the gray man thinks: _~~IT’S NOT FAIR WHY WHY WHY WHY I NEED TO SEE HIM AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME PLEASE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVED YOU I STILL DO I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY BEING HUMAN AND GHOUL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT FEELS LIKE I'M BEING EATEN ALIVE I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU I STILL LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU SO PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE~~_ _I am happy. Truly._

_I LOVE YOU,____

Darkness. The sun is gone. The night has fallen.

Ah, it seems like his time has run out.

.

.

.

The story carries on.

\----

_I love you,___._

\---

And then, Haise wakes up, a beloved name on the tip of his tongue, memories already fading away into nothing but dust.

\---

_Again, please._

Re___

\---

His hunger eats.

\---

Once upon a time, there was a panther.

It was eaten alive.

\---

Once upon a time, there was a hunger artist.

He was eaten alive, too.

\---

_Again, please._

Re_

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I started writing this last year. Back in June. And there’s another chapter planned right now. I feel dead.
> 
> Please check out BriCie’s rendition of White Silence linked at the beginning of this post. It was my entire motivation to finish the thing. I literally listened to it on repeat for about a thousand times while writing this… meta sex thingy.


End file.
